My seizures

There are days I question my existance. I believe God has a purpose for every living creature, but what mine is I couldn't tell you. This is particularly due to my seizure disorder. Most people are only in the hospital when they're born and when their children are born. For myself, my hospital stays began at 10 months old. My temperature was 104 for three days, and my only scars are brain damage, learning disabilities, and difficulty using the muscles in my left hand. I often lose my balance, but don't be alarmed--it's just a side effect of my seizure medicine.

I was diagnosed with encephalitis which is rare in children. I went through all the physical therapy, but I still can't carry things in my left hand. Often times people will ask if I've had a stroke because they see me holding items in my left hand and then then removing them with my right hand to set them down. I do this alot at work as a cashier. Or, I'll hold heavy items close to my body if they're in my left hand. Often the muscles in my hand will tremor and shake and if the item's close to my body it won't fall. It's paranoia to an extent, or perhaps just an uncomfortable feeling.

My last seizure was less than 24 hours ago. It was a petite mal seizure where your brain literally "checks out" for a matter of minutes. It happened in my shower, which for me is the second scariest place to have a seizure. I have had petite mal in my childhood, but my last one was at age 12, 16 years ago. The first would be to awaken to one in bed, but thankfully I never have.

The big finale of seizures is grand mal seizures. These actually cause you to black out and fall to the ground. Your muscles lose power, and you literally collapse where you stand. I have had these my entire life. My last one was seven months ago, and similar to the one yesterday, it was in my shower. I know when one is coming on, but I can't prevent it from happening. I think this is what frustrates me most of this disorder. I don't know when the next one is coming, and I can't stop it.

This has led me to question many things in my life. I began this blog to help others understand why everything is so hard me. I am so terrified of driving because as I get behind the wheel, I fear for my life and the lives of others. Three years ago I blacked out while driving on a country road. Nobody was involved in the accident but me, but I have to face this demon everyday. It could happen again, and I would have no control to stop it.

Someday, after I graduate college and start my career, I hope to work with those who have seizures. As I've been learning, many of my friends have seizures or have had them. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you do. It's just one of my biggest annoyances right now. I wish I had full control over my body. I have to stay healthy, get exercise, and get at least 8 hours each night. I can't smoke or drink due to my medication. It's a barrier I'm still trying to jump over, but instead it keeps gets higher.

I question my existence because each seizure holds back progress. I'm going for my bachelor's in Journalism and have been writing since I was 8 years old. Each seizure holds me back from my writing, and I'm frustrated by this. All my co-workers and most of my friends know I have them, and most know what to do if I go into one. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and this life-long condition would be gone. I'd like to wake up and not take medication, or not feel my head hurt at night. Why exist with this life if it's going to be like this?